To start, today is the 22nd anniversary of my mother's death. It's amazing that time has flown by so fast and that it's been over 20 years since I've seen my mom. It's funny how your brain retains minute details of tragic events. I remember her death as if it happened yesterday, every little detail, who I called first to the paramedics telling me Mama was dead (their words, not mine), to my brother trying to comfort me, and me feeling like I lost my world. But, as you know, time keeps going and so does life.
Mama wanted a graveside funeral and that she had. I remember turning my head back at the funeral and seeing a sea of people. I knew Mama touched a lot of lives but I didn't know she had so many people who loved her. We held a minyan for 3 nights at my aunt and uncle's house and there was so much food (Jews know how to cook!) and good memories of Mama. Everytime a person told me they were sorry for my loss I used the phrase 'thank you, you're so sweet.' Really didn't know what else to say. I, too, was at a loss for words.
So, life has gone on and lots of things have happened in the 22 years since Mama died. I've moved 5 times and am now in a permanent residence, lost 2 dogs and now have 3, promoted countless times at work and now supervising 5 people. Things are good there but, honestly, I sometimes feel so lonely and left out. Uh oh, here comes the pity party.
My father, who passed away two and a half years ago, loved and lived his family. Family meant the world to him. He lived in South Florida for almost 40 years so we really didn't get to see him often, but we talked to him at least once a week. When Daddy got his cellphone he and I would talk every day when I got home from work. Sometimes we'd talk for over a half hour, sometimes for a few minutes, but this time spent with my dad made us extremely close.
Daddy treated us to cruises, which all were awesome. I got to spend a week with my family with my niece and I sharing a cabin. We had a lot of fun with the most memorable cruise being seeing Alaska. Alaska has to be one of the most beautiful states and I highly recommend a cruise. It's expensive but just think---no threat of a hurricane!
When Daddy died my brothers and I settled into our lives without parents. With no parents it's not like we HAD to see each other. One of my brother's I will speak to just about every week and I will take care of his dog. About once a month we'll go out to eat or he'll come over for a homecooked meal. My other brother and his wife I don't keep in touch with too often. His daughter and son-in-law live here in Tallahassee but I rarely hear from them and I'll see them once every whenever. I know the phone works both ways but, honestly, I'm afraid to call because she'll be busy with something. So I don't call. But now they are moving to North Carolina. She got a fantastic job with a school and I can't wait to hear how she loves her new job and North Carolina. That state is another beautiful state and I know they will love it there.
I have a birthday coming up soon and it will be the third one without a parent. When us kids were little we would get to choose the restaurant we wanted to go eat and celebrate. As we got older, Mama would ask us what we'd like for her to cook for our birthday dinners. Mine was usually her prime rib, which was always cooked to perfection. After Mama died, Daddy would come up for the weekend closest to our birthdays to celebrate and it was always so special. I loved spending time with him even if it was just sitting around watching TV. Right now I'm having a memory of hugging him goodbye at the airport and deeply smelling his cologne. We would hold each other tight, give each other kisses, he would stroke my cheek and told me he loved me. I miss that. I miss him.
Thanksgiving now just feels empty. My brother and his wife come up and stay with their daughter. My other brother & I come for dinner, stay a few hours, then say our goodbyes and go home. I miss my parents not being there. I felt my dad's spirit among us the first Thanksgiving and gave me some comfort. This past Thanksgiving was okay. I don't think it's my family but that it's me. I feel like I don't belong and something is missing.
So, family........yup, my immediate family is there. Sometimes I wish I was included in outings or impromptu get-togethers but I guess I'm not thought of. No, I'm not mad but just a little sad with the whole thing. But, you know what? I don't dwell on these things. Life goes on, positive attitude prevails, and I am okay.
So if you're in a family that fights, makes up, loves one another, and sometimes you feel left out, or you don't get phone calls, it doesn't mean you're not loved. It's just that sometimes our lives are so busy we push back doing things for our families.
I bought my mom a Precious Moment figurine (think I still have it somewhere) that said "Sometimes I hate you but always I love you." This fit my mother and I to a T. I think it fits all families. :)
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