How do you fix yourself?

Right now I am feeling very low, very down, depressed.  I don't like when my emotions are running raw because I don't like myself.  But they do make me think and analyze my life and the changes that need to be made.

Unfortunately, like most people, I have so many changes to make in my life but I think, hey, I'm 52 so why change?  I don't have many years left to live so does it matter?  Well, yeah, it does matter because life is too short to not enjoy it.

Lately I have been reflecting to what my desires and dreams were when I was younger.  Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be a teacher.  My parents even bought me a chalkboard to satisfy the little girl dreams.  I used to line up my stuffed animals and teach them whatever subject I knew enough of to teach.  Of course I had the smartest students and they all passed every lesson.  

That passion never left me as I grew older.  When I went to Tallahassee Community College (TCC) and was just about to get my A.A. I figured what I wanted to major in:  Child Development.  So I studied that and Family Relations at Florida State, got my degree and then went on to receive a Masters in Family Relations afterwards.  

It was during graduate school that I saw a notice about taking the ACT on the bulletin board in the College of Home Economics (now the College of Human Sciences) and pass it to enter the College of Education.  I thought for a moment that I could be a teacher, something I always wanted to be.   I stared at it but knowing how awful I do on standardized tests I turned around and walked away.  Now, I realize that I should have taken the test because what would have happened if I would have passed?  I surely wouldn't be working for the State of Florida but teaching at one of the elementary schools here in Tallahassee.  My dream.  My passion.

I just took a break to let the dogs out.  I was thinking about what other emotions I can let loose.  Writing about marriage was one topic but don't think that will ever happen so I don't even want to go there.  But I started to count my blessings, which I usually do when feeling down in the dumps.  My biggest blessings are my pups.  They love me no matter what and ALWAYS give me the biggest greeting when I come home.  They love when Mommy gives them any attention, especially hugs and kisses and cuddles.  How can your spirits not be uplifted with them showing love right back?  And the other blessings, having a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in my belly, a job which I absolutely love, and so much more.....I'm feeling better already.

I know God gives us these feelings of despair to remind us of the good that we do have.  So many times we just don't think that we deserve rough times but there is much good to cover the bad that we can't be blinded.   We just need to take a deep breath and remember His love.  He will never, ever leave our side and will always guide us in the path that is chosen for us.  The light is always shining at the end of the tunnel.  Patience.  I just answered the question to the title of this entry.

Three Years

Three years ago my father was lying in his Hospice bed waiting for peace to finally be with him.  His entire family rallied around him hoping that his transition would be peaceful and that any pain he was experiencing would be final.  Peace was with him as he took his final breath with me and my sister-in-law witnessing.  

It was a relief to know that Daddy wasn't suffering any longer but so sad that we would never get to see him again, feel his hugs and kisses, and know how much he loved us.  No one loved his family more than my father.  We were the most important thing in his life, I figured out after he died, that nothing would stand in his way to make sure we were always present.  He would speak with family at least once a week, and this includes his brother and sister-in-law who he loved very much.  

I think about him and Mama every day.  I'm so much like my mother I can't help but think about her.  I talk like her, laugh like her, have mannerisms like her, that sometimes it scares me.  And Daddy, when I smile with my mouth closed I'm like him, my gentleness around animals and enjoying being around others I'm like him.  Of course, I strive to be a better person every day but I have some good role models to help guide me.  

As tomorrow approaches, the third anniversary of his death, I pause and think about my father and how much we loved him and how much others loved him.  We all are better people to have known him.  God bless you, Daddy.